War of the Milks

Things at the Jacobsen house have been tense - to say the least.

Let’s start at the beginning: I’ve always been lactose-weary so milk and I have been distant acquaintances. Recently however, milk and I had a reconnection and we’d been getting along quite nicely, or so I thought, until milk stabbed me in the back. Oh, you read right, it stabbed me in the back. And after I bought organic! The pain from milk was just too much. I was suffering for free. Actually no, I was paying like 10 bucks for a gallon and a half to suffer. Finally I said, “Enough is enough, this relationship is destructive and I can’t live this way anymore.” So I cut ties with milk. Now soymilk and I have had a healthy relationship ever since.

That is until Brandon wedged his selfish foot in our clearly shut-don’t-come-aknockin’-if-the-fridge-door-is-arockin’-door. He too has fallen for soymilk. He’s unabashedly playing the milk field. He’s a milk playa’, and yes, I’m a milk playa’ hater. If he wanted soymilk, I could have bought him his own soymilk, but instead he just steals from me. I don’t think he gets that drinking milk for me is physically painful, but it’s not as physically painful as it is to go to Costco to pick up some more. He has perfectly yummy regular organic milk. I don't know why he can't just drink that.

Anyway, this blew up a couple nights ago when Brandon went so far as to offer my milk to guests. My precious, expensive, soymilk. He didn't offer them the regular milk, of which we have a ton, just the soy. Witness the audacity:
Scene: The G's had come over for the dinner on Sunday night and we were all sitting down to a perfectly civilized meal when I noticed, as I was sitting down, my carton of soymilk sitting on the table.
N: What. Is. This?
B: What? I just put stuff out for people to drink.
N: This is MY soymilk.
B: Nat, relax, we have more.
N: Why didn't you put out regular milk for people to drink? Everyone else can drink regular milk, I'm the only one that HAS to drink soy. And it's expensive!
B: Nat, relax, it's OUR milk.
R: It's true, his money too.
J: Shut up.
N: I WILL NOT RELAX! You relax! You relax when I offer something that you bought specially for yourself! You relax when your have to live with a stomach ache!
B: Nat, calm down.
This is the part where I snatch up the carton of soymilk and hug it to my body. Then I walk over to the fridge door and safely shut my soymilk in there.
N: I will calm down when you stop being such an ass! Just pray so we can eat.
B: Nat..
N: PRAY!

Ok, I may have overreacted (and if the G's weren't such good friends, I wouldn't have exploded the way I did) but I hope you can see my point. That soymilk is my only source of calcium-enriched goodness. Without it, I can't eat cereal, oatmeal, or have shakes. As I told Brandon, "When you go to Costco and Henry's to get all we need for groceries and then lug them up the apartment without help, then you can drink my milk. I'm not asking for sympathy, I'm just asking for justice."