Family Pictures, Revisited

So, my mom insisted we take family photos. Everyone cringed and tried to fight it but she would not be dissuaded. My father-in-law who is a great photographer was enlisted and off we were toward Corona del Mar.

Let me give you a little bit of context here: We couldn't figure out what to wear, we were late as is, my dad missed the freeway exit, we were about to miss the sun, the fog was shockingly thick and everyone was at each other's throats. By the time we finally got there the car was dead silent and no one was speaking to each other. But as soon as we got to the beach we slapped on our fake happy faces and pretended we liked each other. Then as soon as my father-in-law started to shoot the FREEZING water hit our feet, all was forgotten and we started squealing and having a good time. These are a few of the awkward shots of the day (good pictures are so boring, no?)

That face.

My mom explaining to my dad that he is in fact, not European.

My mom was hellbent on making us run and skip the whole time. Also, little known fact, Brandon's wingspan is longer than his height.

The men are showing their true colors in this picture. My dad being wanna-be Broadway performer and Brandon trying to be super-rasta.

Charge! That bird is actually my sibling.

My dad insisted on becoming a sort of performer during this shoot. His theatrical laugh kept making us laugh so hard.

Don't you worry, we got a few (very few) good ones. But I kind of want to get the bad ones printed. Whaddaya think?

How to End a Conversation

We recently returned from winter break in California. One of my most/least favorite parts about going back to California is seeing my parents. Most, because I never laugh as hard as when I'm with my parents. All three of us turn red and just try to hold the pee in. Least, because I'm tired of explaining to my mother that Ellie is in fact not sick/losing weight/going to have permanent bruising.

However, our most recent stay turned out to be quite civil and equally entertaining. In fact, I've started taking notes because if those two aren't blog worthy then I don't know what is. This time around, I noticed a theme. It seems like my parents (and one of their friends) are experts at abruptly ending a conversation. Seems like a handy skill so I documented a few scenarios and hope that you can learn as much about randomly ending conversations as I have.

1. Death of a Stranger
My mom and Brandon were commiserating on how long Verizon was taking to get the internet at my parent's house up and running. The four of us were sitting in the living room one night as my mom was retelling how she dramatized the fact that Brandon was having to go to Starbucks to work, for the Verizon person on the phone.

Mom: ...and then I told her that it was incredibly inconvenient that you had to go to Starbucks all the time.
Brandon: Yeah, no kidding.
Dad: I heard a story about a guy, an Iraq vet, that came home from the war totally fine but then he went to a Starbucks and sat by the window and a car crashed into the Starbucks and totally went inside and it killed him. He died.

Insert crickets. We all stared at my dad in silence for about 5 seconds and then simultaneously burst into inappropriate laughter.
Me: What the hell does that have to do with anything?
Dad: Were we not talking about Starbucks?

2. Death of a Boss
My parents have these friends, Rudy and Leah, who are dear, sweet, stern, ex-communists from Romania. They have a certain gloominess only found in Eastern Europeans. Man, they have the best stories. But that's another post. Rudy and Leah were over for dinner at my parent's place while I was at my in-law's and Ellie was beckoned so they could meet her. Being her driver, I had to go too. During dinner Leah was telling us about her favorite boss who took her out to fancy meals.

Leah: He had a great Porsche and he would pick me up and take me to the fanciest restaurants in LA to talk business and order everything on the menu. It was so much fun. And he was gay so Rudy never worried or anything.
Me: Wow, I wish an awesome gay dude would come pick me up in a Porsche and take me to fancy restaurants.
Rudy: That guy, he died. He died from AIDS.

Insert uncomfortable silence that we are all communally pretending is for the late, gay, foodie boss but is actually because there is literally nothing that can follow that remark.

3. Death Prevented by Implants
Brandon's brother and sister-in-law were kind enough to give us tickets to the Aquarium of the Pacific for Christmas this year. I took Ellie one day while everyone else was working and came back and reported that Ellie loved every minute of it including sticking her hand in the petting shark tank.

Me: So yeah, all in all it was a successful day.
Brandon: Sweet.
Mom: I heard this story about a women (not a typo, my mom cannot for the life of her get the difference between woman and women, I'm just being accurate here) who was out to sea and a stingray shot its sting thing at her heart but it got stuck in her implants. So her fake boobs saved her life.

Insert exaggerated rolling of the eyes.

Me: I'm pretty sure you made that up. I'm going to take a nap. See ya in a bit.
Brandon: Me too.

There you have it. You now know how to stop a conversation in it's tracks, make everyone in the room uncomfortable AND repel your children with your conversation. Your welcome.

Thank you parents. Thank you for being appallingly bad conversationalists. Thank you for making me laugh so hard my throat hurts. Thank you for giving me stories that will make my children laugh. Thank you for mispronouncing things so I can make fun of you.