The Parent Cult

Parenthood brings with it a lot of strange discoveries. Discoveries that make you think, "Wait, why didn't anyone say this before?" It feels like I've been initiated into a silent cult where the members don't discuss the secrets with outsiders and the only way of really knowing is to experience it yourself. Which I guess is what a cult is.

I am going to rebel.

Here are a few things I've learned and realized while being pregnant/mother. I hope there isn't a secret parent assassin that is going to kill me, make it look like an accident and then prepare a PR campaign to smooth out the secrets I've revealed.

1. The length. Pregnancy is longer than 9 months. Oh yes. It's more like 9.5. Which doesn't seem like much of a difference unless you're 9 months pregnant. I don't know why we keep on perpetuating this lie, but we do and it sucks. It especially sucks when you're a week overdue like yours truly.

2. The eating. Babies eat 24 hours a day for the first few months. I know you're like, "Well, duh." But wait until it happens to you and then you'll realize the true meaning of feeding someone 24 hours a day. Not only that, try finding time to feed yourself.

3. The emotions. The first few days after delivery SUCK. And I mean SUCK. Not so much physically, I was surprised at how quickly I was back on my feet and feeling ok, even if it took a little bit to feel 100%. I mean emotionally. It's like PMS on overdrive and you wonder whether you've made a huge tiny mistake. Too many moms are suffering postpartum in silence. It's ok to feel inadequate and strange! This too shall pass.

4. The catheter. Catheters aren't that bad. You always hear about catheters and squirm, but really, they're not so scary. And it's kind of nice to not have to worry about peeing. The nice thing is you don't even realize you have to go, so as far as you know, everything is dandy and you don't miss a second of your show.

5. The fear. Oh, the fear. I had never known fear until I had a kid. It's not like I'm constantly looking behind my back, but even the slightest thought of Ellie being hurt/sad/bullied/cold makes me have to take deep breaths.

6. The guilt. Ah, guilt. A mother's best friend. I don't know if anyone remembers a General Authority saying that mothers are the travel agents for a guilt trip, but it's because we're riddled with it. It's gotten better as Ellie gets easier, but when I came home I was overwhelmed with guilt over things that a normal person would just shrug off.

7. The hygiene. Every one always tries to prepare you for how tired you'll be but no one prepares you for how dirty you'll be. After coming home showering became increasingly difficult and brushing my teeth seemed secondary to the few seconds of sleep I was wasting on brushing. Don't worry, I'm clean again.

8. The presents. When you have a baby, people you don't even know give you presents, it's great! They're hardly ever for you, but they're still so much fun to open!

9. The lack of familiarity. I think what I found most surprising was that even after we got to bring Ellie home she just felt like another baby. She looked at me like, "Who are you?" And I looked at her like, "I live here, who are YOU?" And we would just stare at each other suspiciously. I figured because I carried her for what seemed like an eternity I would immediately bond with her, but it took a couple of weeks until we had truly bonded and I couldn't imagine my life without her. I remember telling Brandon, "I'm not entirely sure who this person is." I'm still not entirely sure, but I know that I adore her.

10. The joy. This is by far the best part. You hear about it, but you can't imagine it. If anything, having a kid is a testimony builder. Now I know why I'm on this earth. Now I know the true meaning of happiness. And why Heavenly Father would want us to have children. Now I understand (at least a little better) Moses 3:19. Again, one of those things no one prepares you for because you can't. I never knew I could love this much, and yes, there are sad unwelcome things that come with parenthood, but they are so so worth it just to feel their little fingers curl around your thumb and to hear their giggles and feel their little head snuggling against your chest. It is pure wonderful bliss.

Granted every kid and parent is different. Some people might not even be able to relate to these "secrets", but at least if I go missing, you guys know what happened to me.

Miss Ellie

Just thought I would post some pics of Miss Ellie, seeing as how my day comprises of staring at her and making sure she's having a happy baby-hood. Having a baby is such a wonderful waste of time. All you want to do is sit there and admire how wonderful they are and how funny and charming they're going to grow up to be, and before you know it Brandon has called to say he's on his way home and you're still in your pj's with yesterday's mascara on your cheeks. Anyway, here are some of Miss Ellie's latest pics.

 

 

 

 

America's Finest City

Indeed. While the rest of the country was having record lows, us San Diegans were at the beach having picnics, taking walks, and generally enjoying the sunshine. I've lived in the bitter and cold and snow, so I don't feel the slightest guilt rubbing our great weather in everyone's face.
Besides what we pay for rent should make the rest of you feel better. Except for those of you who live in New York, sorry about that.


This is just a cute one of Brandon and Ellie



SUCKAHS!!!


(Instead of hating us, just come visit!)

Christmas in Tahoe

Hi Team.

Over Christmas we rented a place up in Tahoe and went with my parents. Hilarity ensued. Then there was an earthquake. But then we took my mom skiing and more hilarity ensued as she knocked down a gate. We went downhill skiing, cross-country skiing, had dinner at the top of Squaw Valley, put a puzzle together, went tubing and one night my mom and I got drunk on giddiness and sang songs we only knew a few words to all the way home, whilst trying to hold in the pee from laughing so hard. Aaah.... good times. Here is proof:

 

Ok this is at our place but it's just such a cute pic of Ellie.

 

Here is Brandon's grandpa's house, that now belongs to Brandon's uncle.

 

Here are my mom and me trying to shovel the driveway with a pair of poles because our tires were too bald to make it up the driveway in the snow. About an hour later we were back on the road.

 

Here is an igloo we saw on the side of the road.

This is Nikky. He decided he was coming home with us. Eventually his owner came to retrieve him.

My mom falling off an tube.

Ellie making a snow angel.

Eating snow on the first night in snowed.

Ellie being cute, she can't help it, it's her natural state.

Our last day, this was the view from the cabin. Also sorry these are in weird order.

Brandon, Ellie and my parents accepting their medals. The winter olympics were held at Squaw Valley back in 1960. Before the age of the high performance snow boot. Not fun.

My dad trying to kill me on Christmas Day.

This is what Ellie did while the rest of us tubed.

My mom speeding across the plains. Ok she was standing still.

Cougarliscious

It happened one chilly autumn night.

My faithful bleaders will know that I have four awesome (and dare I say, hot) sisters in law. The oldest of us who is 33 and the youngest, me at 24. Said sisters in law and I got together over Thanksgiving and left the kiddies with the boys while we went off and watched New Moon. Personally, I went for the developing storyline and moving performances. However, not everyone's intent was so noble (i.e. Taylor Lautner's pecs).

In any case the movie was watched and enjoyed by all. On our way back to the car where we were about to treated by a special ride home featuring Alyssa driving like a maniac pretending she was Alice, some hoodlum youths poked their heads out of their beater Buick and yelled, "WOOO-HOOOO!!!!!! COUGARS!!!"

All were shocked and a little confused. We even looked around to see if they were yelling at us. I half expected to see some old ladies walking behind us. Alas, there were no old ladies behind us, the cougar comment was aimed at the five of us. Tight jeans and all. Needless to say I was the most offended. I am not a cougar! I am a trophy wife damn it! However, instead of saying something more cutting, all I could muster was to yell back, "BUT I'M ONLY TWENTY-FOUR!!!" in hopes that they would realize their mistake and turn around to ask for my number so then I would refuse them, naturally.

Yet, they did not. They drove away leaving the five of us in a sort of stunned giggle. We got into the car and brushed it off, especially as we had to hold on for our dear lives thanks to Alyssa's driving. But in the back of our minds we were all still hearing the echo of, "Cougar...cougar... cougar..."

"It's Just a Little Crush...

... it's not like I faint, everytime we touch..."

I have an amazing life. I'm married to a great man whom I adore, I have a wonderful baby whom I also adore and I get to stay home to take care of my family. I've got pretty great. Because I'm so happy, it gives me lots of time to think about things that don't really matter. Such as...

CRUSHES!

I will now list some of my favorite celebrity crushes for your (and Brandon's) amusement. They will be categorized, those of you who know me know that I like being organized. Here we go:

1. All time, always and forever crush - Matt Damon
I will be crushing on Matt Damon 'til the day I die, much like my mom is still crushing on Donny Osmond. In my mind Matt Damon can do no wrong, well, you know what I mean.


2. Trendy crush - Robert Pattinson
I'm sure I'll change my mind about this when a new "It" guy shows up in a couple of years and he'll be dethroned from this spot. Much like Leonardo DiCaprio.


3. Trophy crush - Paul McCartney
Anyone that knows me knows that I LOVE the Beatles. If I had been alive during their heyday I would have snuck into their hotel room and cut off a piece of each of their heads of hair and then taken it back home to sniff. So, my purpose in crushing on Paul McCartney is not because I think he's cute, but because he is the ultimate collector's item*.


4. Foodie crush - Gordon Ramsay
Ok, so Gordon Ramsay is not the best looking dude. I just love what a bad@$$ he is and little known fact: he was this close to playing professional football (aka. soccer). That's a pretty good showing considering that our other culinary bad@$$ contender was Anthony Bourdain who has the body of a really tall prepubescent boy. Plus Gordon has a cool accent.


5. Cougar crush - Rupert Grint
I don't know what it is about this kid that I just love, but I just do. It makes me feel better that's he's only 3 years younger than me so I don't feel so cougar-y. I think he's a good example that I look for more than just a pretty face on a guy. Broad shoulders are important too.


6. Old Dude Crush - James Garner
This was going to be a tie between Robert Redford and Paul Newman because they're both awesome but I've decided on a compromise where no one wins. James Garner is just so charming and a dude's dude - this is important in the age of the metrosexual. Where are the plucked eyebrows? Where is the waxed chest? Where is the strange V-neck shirt that looks like a woman's tee? Not here, thank goodness.


7. Musical Crush - Glen Hansard
I usually don't like musicians as men, they're kind of sickly looking and don't always have a whole lot of muscle definition, but Glen Hansard's music is so amazing that I can't help but want him to write a song about me.

And there you go. Now think hard and let me know who your crushes are!

*To Paul McCartney: I know this sounds objectifying, please don't hate me.

School is In

There has been much talk lately about stripper pole dance classes. I know someone who is taking them. And honestly I don't really care what people do in their spare time. If they want to swing around a pole like a stripper, by all means swing around a pole, just don't hurt yourself. The purpose of my post is not to discredit pole dancing as an art or as a seduction device for a stale marriage, but to ask, "Who the heck has a stripper pole in their house?"

Do they come as an add-on in certain gated communities? Can you strip down a wall and use a pipe? Should we perhaps be teaching lap dancing or a certain burlesque style of stripping that does not require assembly? My inquiring mind needs to know.