Frailty thy Name is Balance

I hate doing the dishes. I hate sweeping. I hate mopping. I hate having to clean the table 5 times a day just to do it all over again tomorrow. I hate getting beet stains off the wall. I hate cleaning the mirrors. I hate vacuuming. I hate that the house can't stay clean for more than 5 minutes. I hate that Ellie can't stay clean for more than 5 minutes. I hate that I have taken on every single responsibility of the household. I hate that I'm not in the pottery studio more. I hate that Brandon barely has time for us. I hate that I feel this way.

I hate that I have no answers.

Usually I would write a blog post once I have figured out my little crisis and had come around a new woman, better for having gone through a little crisis. But not today. I'm sure there are answers out there somewhere. My conscience is telling me that if I were less selfish I would probably stop hating all these things and could go on with my life full of love and charity for my family. My memory is telling me that it's not all bad and I actually enjoy the little victories in life that include getting rid of every type of stain known to man. My gut is telling me that when I get down, I should eat something.

And so I shall. We just bought some raw-milk cheddar and fig spread I think I'm going to break into. Also, I think there are raspberries in the fridge.

My father-in-law one day said that there is no real balance in life. Sometimes you have to do stuff you hate all the time and sometimes you get to do a lot of the stuff you love, but rarely is life 50-50. And so it is. Sometimes the mere fact that there is an end in sight, a light at the end of the tunnel has to suffice to get us through the times when we have to do a mountain of dishes for the third time that day. And let's be honest, my tunnels aren't that long.

So. I love my husband and how he makes me laugh. I love the way Ellie claps and waves to herself. I love when Brandon helps Ellie brush her teeth. I love that I'm healthy enough to take care of my family. I love when we sit down for a meal together. I love when we all read together. I love to cook. I love when Ellie goes to bed and Brandon and I can talk or watch a movie in peace. I love having a clean house. I love that Brandon is so grateful for the stuff I do. I love when we all go on hikes or swims. I love spending time in the pottery studio. I love singing in the car with Brandon and Ellie. I love to write. I love my family.